1 month has passed.

Now before any of you read this blog, I am feeling extra emo and forgive me for being emo on my blog.

1 month has officially passed by. Today, is the 1 month death anniversary for Ah Kong. Each time I think of him, it still hurts. Each time the tattoo on my hand gets my attention, a teardrop runs down my cheek. Damn it, no matter how hard I tell myself to let go. Why can't I? I hate myself for that.

I was the only one who took the final picture of him. Before he left. It was painful to see this picture every time. he was in so much pain, with the wires all connected to him. With the sounds of his heart beeping, the sounds of those machines that was making him breathe.

I miss his touch, I miss him just being there. To me it feels like my father is gone, but I keep telling myself.. It's better he goes. I told my mom, I will never get over the fact that his gone. Because there's so much I wanted him to see. My wedding, my kids, mostly.. my career. I wish he could witness it all and see how much I've grown because of him.

The whole day, I could not leave his side. I just wanted to stand by him. He was crying the whole day, it was painful to see him that way. I remember that day clearly. Thou, the days after was a blur. He cried, the whole day.. Tears kept flowing down his cheeks, my aunt who was working as a nurse in the CCU ward kept telling me to say my final farewells. And I did. It was so hard, to tell someone to just go already. But I have said what I wanted to say to him, even though it was painful.

I know I had to hold up my strength to show him I was strong to let go. But deep down within me, I was struggling. I didn't want him to go, but neither did I want him to suffer. But on that day, leaving his side seemed so hard. Something in me was just telling me that this was it, it's his last day.

True enough, around 6pm. Grandpa took his last breath in front of all of us. The tears flooded our eyes, the pain was so hard to accept. The only think going on in my head was.. His gone. The next thing I knew he was wrapped up and put in the coffin. The beautiful white coffin.

When we were at the funeral parlor, I could not leave his side. I just wanted to be alone with him. And it felt like comfort somehow, a certain comfort. That he was with me. The last day, I know I went up to his coffin like every morning, and I greeted him. But I know I said :" It's a big day today. I'm dressed in all white, can you see me? But you know why I'm not happy wearing white? It's not for my wedding but your funeral. I didn't know it would come before my big day." The hardest part was the cremation. I don't even want to talk about that.

Today, I'm recording one of Ah Kong's favorite songs. Old Rugged Cross. Let's pray the tears don't control me. RIP.

~* Clare Chiara *~