#Clarespeaks: I questioned the existence of God when.....

Hey there my dear readers,

I think you guys would have noticed that everyday I try my very best to post a blog post. I wanted to try to post really personal and intimate stories of my life, my journey, my memories and so on. So here is one of the personal part of lives I will be blogging about called #Clarespeaks where I share personal stories or feelings, basically where I speak my mind.

Today's topic is..

I questioned the existence of God when...

... when I had my miscarriage.

Many of you know by now that Le Hulk Hubster and I have had our difficulties to conceive. We've been together for 8 years and married for 4 years now. And we have had a total of 8 miscarriages. 

When I went through my 1st miscarriage, it was a total nightmare. I could not believe that this was happening to us, here we were after marriage eager to start our little family. I felt as if God didn't want happiness for us, I felt God was testing us, I felt God was punishing us.

Of course, being brought up in a staunch Roman Catholic family, they kept telling me to pray and turn to God after my first miscarriage. I did. I prayed so hard that I didn't have to go through the pain, the suffering I did after my 1st miscarriage.

A few months later, there was good news. But sadly 2 months later.. Another miscarriage.

I got so angry. I would question God existence! Really?! How cruel can God be? Is he having fun looking at me suffer? Is this some kind of joke to him? Why is he taking away all my children from me?

I continued praying every night. But 3 years passed in a blink of an eye. Eventually I had a total of 8 miscarriages. I felt my prayers were no use. I felt God was punishing me.

Where was God when I needed him most?

Where was God when I was in pain?

Where is God and how could he do this to me?

It was a living hell, I felt as if I was being out in this world to be tormented. To make things worst, everyone around me was getting pregnant. It was a babies galore at work all the time. It really killed me.

Every single family function, family members would ask.  "No good news yet? Why so long? What are you waiting for? Eh, no sex a? Your sex life must be bad."

God, that too killed me all the time.

With everything that people were saying, bit by bit.. I started to shut myself out from the church, from God. Where was he when I needed him most? God is supposed to be there right? But where was he in my darkest hour?

My family never gave up on me. They kept pushing me to go back to church, to pray. I, honestly.. I couldn't.. Instead I would listen to reading podcasts and homily podcasts at home instead of going to church. (Hey, to me that was still HOLY ok.)

Le Hulk Hubster and I, we talk a lot. We share our problems and we comfort each other. One of my emotional nights, I cried and asked him.. "Why is God torturing us?" and he answered me "You know what bee, I think God is NOT torturing us. But instead I think he put us on earth to love other people's children who do not have the love they need."

That was when we decided we wanted to adopt.

That was also when I decided to continue praying everyday and turning to God. (And that God never left even when I questioned HIS existence.

Don't get me wrong, I am not looking for sympathy or a whole lecture on God's existence. I do believe in God. Sometimes, it just takes things and people who love you to slap you in the face and say.. "God never left"

So yeah...

Here's my story. Of the time I questioned the existence of God.
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